top nine things dad is too ashamed to admit he wants for father's day

1. A card. A Hallmark card, preferably. Those American Greetings ones just don't say it from the heart. Even better, a handwritten sonnet.

2. Flowers, but not carnations. And not flowers from the grocery store. Roses, okay? Yellow ones. At least two dozen.

3. A pedicure.

4. Steel Magnolias on DVD. Or maybe Terms of Endearment. Or Fried Green Tomatoes. I'm not picky.

5. You think you could manage some foreplay? Geez!

6. An uninterrupted bubble bath. With enough time to get through at least a quarter of Twilight. All my friends are already on the second book in the series, for Pete's sake.

7. A good cry.

8. A ride on a pretty unicorn.

9. And finally, if it's not too much to ask, I'd like to have sex with a couple of hot lesbians followed by a steak burrito, a six-pack of Bud, four straight hours of commercial-free golf, and a Cuban cigar. Oh. And a new iPhone, too. One that shoots baby deer.