BY JASON ROCK

In this section of errant parent, Jason Rock will periodically review children's literature, revealing the hidden messages and morals in popular kids' books. You might want to check in with Jason before bedtime story hour, just to make sure you're not reading a fluffy version of The Communist Manifesto to your kindergartner.

 

 

EVERYONE POOPS

Well, technically not. Especially if you count sea sponges, cnidarians, parasitic helminths, and Grace Kelly. Also, this book would be a lot more interesting if it featured a foreword by Jamie Lee Curtis. Because apparently -- now that her career has hit the skids (no pun intended) -- she's an authority on both kids' books and feces. As well as eating yogurt in white pants. 

 

THE WIZARD OF OZ

Back in the 1960s, some toker named Henry M. Littlefield claimed The Wizard of Oz was nothing more than a "parable on Populism." In his opinion, the Wicked Witch represented the industrialists; the Munchkins the general public; the Scarecrow the farmer; the Tin Man the factory worker; the Lion presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan; and the Yellow Brick Road the gold standard. Some said "Oz" was actually the abbreviation for "ounce," as the Populists' solution to economic troubles was the coinage of unlimited silver.

I'll tell you what I do know. Drink yourself a couple of snifters of Robitussin DM Max Cough and Chest Congestion, then start up Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon at the precise moment the MGM lion finishes its third roar. The synchronization is uncanny. Chilling, really. But more importantly, I don't think this is about Populism, kids. No, I think this is about opium and transvestites and overbearing mothers. And the flying monkeys definitely might quite possibly have something to do with Dick Cheney.

 

RAMONA THE BRAVE

Your father and I? We're getting divorced.

 

RAMONA AND BEEZUS

No, of course not, Sweetheart. It's not because of something you did. Your sister maybe -- just a little, kinda bit -- but definitely not you.

 

RAMONA THE PEST

Can you hand me my Scotch already and scoot? Scram, I say!

 

RAMONA QUIMBY, AGE 8

This one might be about a training bra. But mostly the whole series is about divorce.

 

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR

This story is the long-winded version of the answer you give when your wife asks: "Do I look fat in this?" The answer is "no" even if the flabby truth is "yes." So, maybe she ate one apple, two pears, three plums, four strawberries, five oranges, a piece of chocolate cake, an ice cream cone, a pickle, some Swiss cheese, a big honkin' salami, a lollipop, a piece of cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, and some watermelon. That dress does not look like a sleeping bag on her. No, it doesn't. She is beautiful, fellas. A beautiful butterfly.

 

CHARLOTTE'S WEB

This is not a bucolic tale about a spider, a pig, a farm girl named Fern, and a country fair. Nor is it about the circle of life and how everyone will eventually die a sad, lonely, untimely death. Nope, this is about my college girlfriend and the number she did on my self-esteem. That Charlotte. Boy, does she ever weave a web. A web of lies. And she's also pretty good about sleeping around.

 

FROG AND TOAD ARE FRIENDS

Riiiiight. Just "friends."

 

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This porcine classic is not about construction techniques or lessons in home improvement. Instead, it examines the psychology of birth order, verifying what scientists have espoused for years: babies are sloths, middle children are total headcases, and firstborns -- while anal, neurotic, and complete spoilsports -- never get less than a B+. If I have to spell it out for you, the symbolism in the story is as follows: the straw house represents a life of PlayStation and bong hits; the stick house, years of futile psychotherapy and yoga workshops; and the brick house, Harvard.

The wolf? Well, he's just God.

In recent years, lots of folks have gotten their underwear into a bundle about the potentially offensive nature of the story. The British, in particular, worried that the choice of pigs could miff Muslims, so they changed the title to The Three Little Puppies. No one has seemed too afraid of ticking off the cops. Or vegans. Or fat girls. Go figure. In truth, the only thing off-putting about this story is that in some illustrated versions, the pigs are wearing lederhosen. LEDERHOSEN! Abhorrent to say the least.

 

THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE

First off, this story is elitist. Anyone who calls a turtle and a rabbit by any other name needs to get laid yesterday. Secondly, the story sadly perpetuates the myth of the underdog -- the belief that even if you suck, you'll eventually win. Thanks to The Tortoise and The Hare, kids now think everyone everywhere deserves a trophy, whether they've won or lost or played their ass off or just sat behind the soccer goal and made daisy chains. Thanks for warming the bench all season, Calliope. And thanks, Jedediah, for scoring 8,273,519 points. Here's a nice shiny identical plaque for you both!

Turtle and Rabbit, go eff yourselves.

 

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

This actually isn't a children's story. It's a pilot for a show on TLC. Think John & Kate Plus 8 meets Little People, Big World. It's sure to be a hit. That is, until somebody gets a free tummy tuck and reverse mullet and starts acting like Marie Antoinette.

 

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

One would think this tale is about respecting other people's property. Instead, this story proves what we've suspected all along: blondes are about as clever as a bag of hammers. (Interesting side fact: unlike the sexually indiscriminate polar bear, grizzlies are extremely puritanical, with husbands and wives refusing to share a bed.)

 

GREEN EGGS AND HAM

This outlandish yarn is not, as librarians and scholars suggest, about phonics and rhyming. And it's not, as dietitians would like to believe, a story about trying new food -- no matter its color and texture. No, this story is about marijuana. It's about no matter how hard you try to resist the Aunt Mary, you'll ultimately give in.

 

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

The French insist that the crimson cloak in this narrative is a blatant symbol of prostitution and that Little Red Riding Hood is nothing more than a cautionary tale about selling oneself. The Canadians, on the other hand, maintain the story is a literal warning: walk around the forest with a basket full of fried chicken, and, you too, will be devoured by a wolf. 

As usual, both the French and Canadians are wrong. The moral of Little Red Riding Hood is this: NEVER, EVER visit old people. Whatever you do, do NOT set foot in a nursing home (or Tudor retirement cottage). The dying tend to take up too much precious time by boring visitors with elaborate descriptions of their ailments. Not to mention, they, and their surroundings, just smell funny. And I don't mean funny ha-ha. 

Should your children beg to go see Granny or Gramps, remind them: old folks won't know if they've stopped by or not. As the story illustrates, senior citizens are so blind, deaf, and senile, they can't tell the difference between a little girl and a German Shepherd. Plus, (parents of young boys take note) picnic baskets and skipping are pretty damn gay. As is the lesser version of a lumberjack, also known as a "woodcutter."

 

Jason Rock, unfortunately, is not related to Chris. His favorite children's book -- Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret -- is, unbeknownst to most people, actually about the nuclear arms race.