limerick and haiku summer poetry contest

We received lots of hilarious poetry for our First Annual Limerick and Haiku Summer Poetry Contest. And, of course, nothing warms our hearts more than seeing disgruntled parents putting forth their best sarcasm. All of our finalists and winners will receive an "errant parent" trucker hat and an "i'll bring the whine" bumper sticker. Congratulations!

Winner, Best Haiku

MATERNITY PANTS by Doug Cox

Low cut, secret fit,
Free tube of hemorrhoid cream
With ev'ry purchase.

Doug Cox was born and raised in Fresno. His poems have recently appeared in Apalachee Review, Chiron Review, Crab Orchard Review, New Madrid, and Suss. He currently lives with his wife and their 2-month-old son within driving distance of an enormous Motherhood Maternity outlet. He can be reached at: bdougcox@gmail.com.

Winner, Best Limerick

MIXED EMOTIONS by Ross Murray

This bundle of joy lying next to me
Is a gift sent from heaven and meant to be.
I'm reeling in bliss,
But still kind of pissed,
At the doctor who botched my vasectomy.

Ross Murray's weekly column appears on Log Cabin Chronicles. His humor pieces have also appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency and The Big Jewel, among other publications. He lives in Stanstead, Quebec with four children and several pets he doesn't much care for. The pets, that is. Ross can be reached at: ross_murray@sympatico.ca. His collection of columns, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available through Townships.

Other Haiku and Limerick Finalists

CHEERY O'S by Todd Atchison

Comfy blue sofa
It feels strange having hot sex
Where kids eat breakfast
 
THE DUEL by Todd Atchison

Deadline approaches
How can I write and ignore
fierce lightsaber fights?

After being a stay-at-home dad/house-husband/grad student for seven years, Todd Atchison's muse was baby-wiped, then brutally sacrificed upon the altar of academic discourse. In 2008, he received a Ph.D. in American Literature -- finally completing a dissertation when his toddler would nap. When he's not donning a cape to play Zurg, he slowly reacclimates himself to the working world. He can be reached at: s.t.atchison@gmail.com.

POT-ULANCE by Gargi Mehra

Every time little Hiya felt pressured,
To her pants, with her fingers, she gestured.
We'd whisk her off to the loo,
Thinking she'd do a poo,
Turns out we were just being pestered.

Gargi is a writer from India. Over the last six years, she has written humor pieces for leading Indian newspapers and magazines. Her fiction has appeared in Everday Fiction and Six Sentences. Visit her blog: Gargi's World.

SALINE DREAMS by Bill Newman

There's a craze that is sweeping the nation
For girls upon their graduation.
So, I'll take out a loan,
Second-mortgage our home,
For my daughter's new breast augmentation.

JUST SHOOT ME by Bill Newman

I really can't stomach Diego
Or Dora or Elmo or Legos.
In fact, I detest
All the things kids like best,
So, yes, I will leggo your Eggo.

EARL GREY AIN'T GONNA CUT IT by Bill Newman

Is it really so wrong around four
To open the Frigidaire door,
And mix Jagerbombers
(They make me much calmer)
'Cause carpool is really a chore?

Bill Newman thinks all children should learn how to hang metal blinds, aerate the lawn, and mix martinis for Daddy by age 4. Is that so wrong? Bill doesn't have a blog, but he does have a hernia.

HEADBOARDS by Ross Murray

The baby's asleep, and the boys
Are snoozing surrounded by toys,
While middle-aged lovers
Skulk under the covers
Trying to have sex without noise.

Ross Murray's weekly column appears on Log Cabin Chronicles. His humor pieces have also appeared in McSweeney's Internet Tendency and The Big Jewel, among other publications. He lives in Stanstead, Quebec with four children and several pets he doesn't much care for. The pets, that is. Ross can be reached at: ross_murray@sympatico.ca.His collection of columns, You're Not Going to Eat That, Are You?, is available through Townships.