ARIES: The Bad News: A wayward bottle rocket will blow off nine of your fingers. The Good News: No more cooking, laundering, dusting, vacuuming, or carpool driving. Ever!
TAURUS: The Bad News: An errant smoke bomb will render you legally blind. The Good News: You'll never have to witness your teenage daughter's goth stage. Or your eighth-grade son's love affair with body glitter.
GEMINI: The Bad News: An uncooperative Tower of Power will destroy both kneecaps. The Good News: Coaching pee-wee soccer is now impossible. Dang it.
CANCER: The Bad News: A stray Alabama Slammer will knock off both of your nipples. The Good News: You can immediately trade breast feeding for cheap Costco formula without an ounce of guilt.
LEO: The Bad News: A defiant brick of Black Cat firecrackers will take off your testicles. The Good News: Yippee! Scoot! Quit mollycoddling that crotch! Go throw out your wife's pesky diaphragm, stat!
VIRGO: The Bad News: A disobliging Roman candle will leave you deaf as a doornail. The Good News: You can now take ignoring everything everyone says to the next level.
LIBRA: The Bad News: A recalcitrant Screamin' Meemie will blow your head off. The Good News: Finally you can get more than four hours sleep.
SCORPIO: The Bad News: An unruly pack of novelty Killer Bees explodes upon ignition, destroying your sense of smell. The Good News: Name one thing in your house that smelled good anyway.
SAGITTARIUS: The Bad News: The municipal grand finale goes completely awry and covers 90% of your body with third-degree burns. The Good News: Your wife is no longer on your ass about drinking during the week.
CAPRICORN: The Bad News: A capricious M-80 will leave you entirely bald. The Good News: Bald is the new morbidly obese.
AQUARIUS: The Bad News: Shrapnel from a family pack of El Cheapos will lodge in your skull, leaving you with the intellectual capacity of an armadillo. The Good News: You no longer qualify to play Hungry Hungry Hippos.
PISCES: You know Independence Day tragedies only happen to the lucky few. So, this month, you'll be uncharacteristically proactive by sticking a lit sparkler up your nose just to get out of chaperoning the middle school dance. Way to think outside the box, Pisces.