errant parent's HORRORscopes spanned the first 12 months of the publication's launch. We no longer update this section, but we felt it was necessary to leave these astrological predictions up as a warning of how screwed you once were -- and probably still are. (And probably always will be. Except for maybe Scorpios. They're too manipulative and evil and off-putting to be screwed for eternity.)

ARIES: Your wife will cook Passover dinner in a thong, and your son will wait to get the stomach bug after your cross-country flight from Boise to Boca. April Fools!

TAURUS: This month, you'll always be able to find the remote, the cordless phone, your keys, and your private parts. April Fools! You're still disgustingly absentminded and have a massive gut.

GEMINI: Using your last three vacation days to re-grout the bathroom, as well as marrying your college drinking buddy, were both excellent ideas. April Fools!

CANCER: You just woke up from chaperoning the Boy Scout camping trip to find you've soiled your sleeping bag. April Fools, silly! It wasn't you. It was that platypus you brought back to your tent for a nightcap.

LEO: Squeezing into your high school cheerleading skirt is totally NOT hazardous to your health. April Fools! Somebody get some Vaseline and a crowbar and some dynamite and the Jaws of Life and a couple of chainsaws and some oxygen. Oh, and a camera.

VIRGO: Your grown son will NOT move into the basement and your husband will NOT move in with that gal who has the rhinestone dimple piercings and works the Sonic drive-thru and your mother will NOT move into your guest room. April Fools! I'll start packing for your move to the asylum.

LIBRA: Of course you're still young enough to wear a bikini at the beach. April Fools, Granny! Here's a Hoveround!

SCORPIO: For Easter, your husband will give you a Dyson vacuum and a round of applause. April Fools! Make that a Dustbuster and the clap.

SAGITTARIUS: You're the bachelor sign of the zodiac. April Fools! I meant creepy-old-man-at-the-end-of-the-bar-wearing-a-Jimmy-Buffet-shirt-who's-covered-in-suspicious-sunspots-and-drugstore-cologne sign of the zodiac.

CAPRICORN: Uranus is moving through Capricorn. April Fools! I meant, candy corn is moving through your anus.

AQUARIUS: If you have to watch one more episode of iCarly, you'll load a shotgun and go running through your neighborhood. April Fools! You already did that last week during The Suite Life of Zack and Cody marathon. How's that ankle monitor treating you?

PISCES: You're getting audited by the IRS. April Fools! You’re getting audited by Scientologists.

If March "comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb," well then, parents, this month the stars have it that...

ARIES: You'll go into Gymboree Play & Music a well-meaning, albeit somewhat emasculated, suburban dad in a fleece jacket and come out a homicidal misanthrope carrying a $12 Play and Learn with Bubbles! book.

TAURUS: You'll go into the bathroom for five minutes of peace and come out after 15 unproductive seconds, wielding a toilet brush and threatening to give your kids "something to really scream about."

GEMINI: You'll go into Target for three pairs of toddler socks and a large jug of Windex and come out with: seven bulk-size jars of Kit Kats; a floral bikini from the Juniors department that might have fit you in fifth grade; 13 pairs of toddler socks; some porch cushions guaranteed to make you look really hip (that is, if you actually had porch furniture); a couple of hard-to-find Charlie and Lola DVDs that will, undoubtedly, give your daughter a British lilt; six wicker baskets that might fit perfectly on your pantry shelf but most likely won't and you'll never return them but instead probably just throw them in your sister's garage sale next summer; an US Weekly featuring Reese and Jake's breakup; an impulse Diet Coke from the checkout fridge; and -- oh, shit! Do you have early-onset Alzheimer's or is your head just in your ass? -- not that large jug of Windex.

CANCER: You'll go into your doctor for a pap smear and come out with tear-stained cheeks, a box of Kleenex, a prescription for Zoloft, and a pamphlet on tummy tucks.

LEO: You'll go into the bar for a couple of beers with the guys and come out seven hours later in your boxers, searching madly for your iPhone so that you can call the Taco Bell chihuahua and ask if they still have the Volcano Nachos on the menu. And -- oh yeah, ladies -- who's coming to the gun show?

VIRGO: You'll go into the PTA meeting with a couple of concerns about a certain parent and come out on a stretcher.

LIBRA: You'll come into your house, take one whiff, and burn rubber to who-knows-where, you're just going to drive until that stench leaves your nostrils. Hell, it may require smoking half a pack of Camels while you listen to Rush's Hemispheres, but if that's what it takes, that's what it takes. Don't count on me for dinner.

SCORPIO: You'll go in to the J. Crew dressing room with seven pairs of jeans suggested by that skinny bitch sales assistant who insisted "matchstick" was not the same as "toothpick" and come out with some of those Thriller contacts in your eyes hoping to bitchslap that girl to last Thursday with a ballet flat.

SAGITTARIUS: You'll go in to the pediatrician with a kid who doesn't know he's getting a shot and come out with a kid who's getting a new bike and ice cream and maybe a diamond-encrusted set of Transformers, or, I dunno, maybe a scooter made of rubies.

CAPRICORN: You'll go in to see Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel and come out a heroin addict.

AQUARIUS: You'll pull in to the Wendy's drive thru for your dry cleaning and leave with a Frosty, but only after trying to make a bank deposit.

PISCES: You'll go away for a romantic weekend with your husband and come home pregnant.

Our February HORRORscopes are for all you parents delusional enough to think you'll have a romantic Valentine's Day. Yes, you can buy the chocolate-dipped strawberries, you can buy the thong. But you can't freeze the kids in carbonite. At least not legally.

ARIES: You'll get halfway through an overcooked lobster tail before a call from the sitter asking where you keep the Shop-Vac.

TAURUS: You'll get two egg rolls into a Pupu Platter before a call from the sitter asking where you keep the rubber gloves.

GEMINI: You'll get three bites into your Dover sole before a call from the sitter asking where you keep the leafblower. And the Benadryl. And a waterproof mattress pad.

CANCER: A couple of sips of your cosmo before a call from the sitter asking if your health plan covers dental. And mental. And the neighbor's Mercedes.

LEO: Fuck it. We're staying in this year. It'll be romantic. I promise. Just let me just get the kids bathed.

VIRGO: And let me get them into their pajamas. And let me Q-tip their ears. And maybe clip their fingernails. And toenails.

LIBRA: Tell you what, Honey. While I'm up here doing the bedtime routine, why don't you go on and put the lasagna in the oven. Oh, and let the wine breathe. What? I'm just reminding them to brush their teeth. What's that? Yes. It's in the fridge. The fridge! On the third shelf. Behind the milk. The MILK! THE GODDAMNEDMILK!

SCORPIO: For the love of all things sacred! Behind the milk! What are you? Blind? Deaf? Certifiably insane? And as for you two, I am not reading another book. Get in bed this instant!!! Your father and I are trying to have a romantic goddamned dinner!!!

SAGITTARIUS: OK. One more book. But not that one. What? This one? The Giving Tree? The Giving Tree?! Why don't you just go on and smother me slowly? It's so sad. It's about someone who gives and gives and gives until she's nothing more than a withered old stump.

CAPRICORN: I am NOT crying. Now turn out the lights.

AQUARIUS: NOW!! AND QUIT YELLING AT EACH OTHER!!! DON'T YOU KNOW WE DON'T YELL IN THIS HOUSE?

PISCES: Is that the smoke alarm?

In honor of a new year, we present you with some astrological resolutions. As well as what's more likely to transpire.

ARIES:

Resolution: Help your husband clean out the closet

More Likely: Help your husband come out of the closet

TAURUS

Resolution: Low Carb

More Likely: Low Care

GEMINI:

Resolution: Have another kid

More Likely: Hire another kid

CANCER:

Resolution: Bring home the bacon

More Likely: Bring home the swine flu

LEO:

Resolution: Buns of steel

More Likely: Old hot dog buns with the mold picked off and then smeared with jelly are perfectly acceptable to serve your kids for breakfast, right?

VIRGO:

Resolution: Potty training

More Likely: Pot

LIBRA:

Resolution: Go to the gym

More Likely: Jim Beam

SCORPIO:

Resolution: Eat organic and local

More Likely: The Chipotle down the street

SAGITTARIUS:

Resolution: Read War and Peace

More Likely: Tie your own tubes

CAPRICORN:

Resolution: Go to Australia

More Likely: Get the runs at Outback Steakhouse

AQUARIUS:

Resolution: Train for a marathon

More Likely: Thomas the Train marathon

PISCES:

Resolution: Go back to school to get a master’s degree

More Likely: Go back to school to drop off your kid’s clarinet

ARIES: On the first day of Christmas your true love gave to you: a Partridge Family 8-track and a dented can of Bartlett pears in heavy syrup.

TAURUS: On the second day of Christmas your true love gave to you: two cans of Turtle Wax and the wrapper from a Dove Ice Cream Bar. I stole the last one while you were upstairs putting the kids to bed. Psych!

GEMINI: On the third day of Christmas your true love gave to you: three petrified French fries and a couple of chicken McNuggets I found under the minivan's floor mat.

CANCER: On the fourth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: four calling cards that might have some minutes left on them, but I'm not too sure about that. Why don't you let me have them back so I can test them out?

LEO: On the fifth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: five Golden Retriever turds I found on the dining room rug. I'm not sure what to do with them. Do I just flush these, Honey, or should I throw them in the garbage? What? Why are you looking at me like that? It's an honest question!

VIRGO: On the sixth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: a photo of six geese getting laid. Again. Why are you looking at me like that? This is a nice damn nature photo!

LIBRA: On the seventh day of Christmas your true love gave to you: seven Schwan's frozen dinners, swimming in resentment.

SCORPIO: On the eighth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: Hey, look, I can't afford eight maids to provide this freaking family with milk, much less clean our decrepit split-level, but here's a nice breast pump I found on eBay and a Swiffer WetJet.

SAGITTARIUS: On the ninth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: nine ladies dancing. Yes. That's holiday code for: gift card to strip club. Wait. I changed my mind. Give that back. That's mine. Here's your gift card. It's to Cracker Barrel. And it's for $15! Go enjoy yourself some cornbread while I enjoy myself a lap dance.

CAPRICORN: On the tenth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: Hmm. I don't know any lords, much less ones that leap around. But here's a Whitman's Sampler. I left you the ones with walnuts.

AQUARIUS: On the eleventh day of Christmas your true love gave to you: eleven corncob pipes. Because, hey! Who doesn't like a corncob pipe? Am I right? It's a goddamned pipe made out of goddamned corn! Frickin' genius!

PISCES: On the twelfth day of Christmas your true love gave to you: twelve drumsticks. The boneless kind from Wendy's. They're sorta cold after sitting in my car while I was in the strip club, but it's the thought that counts.

ARIES: Mars is in your house of fame. What's that mean? Simply put: you, a stubborn wedgie, and YouTube.

TAURUS: Only 55 shopping days left until your MasterCard grows a fist and punches you square in the face at Victoria's Secret.

GEMINI: Quit sucking your thumb, get out of the fetal position, and crawl out from behind the bleachers. Halftime's over, Coach. The prekindergartners can't wait to learn more about flag football. And your divorce. And your hair plugs. And if you've seen Astro Boy. And if they can go potty. And where babies come from.

CANCER: No, you can't contract H1N1 from sausage patties. But you can come down with a mean case of fatass.

LEO: Your toddler has ADHD and your teen, debilitating apathy. Looks like getting to Grandma's for Thanksgiving is going to require the ol' straightjacket and winch.

VIRGO: Do NOT stuff the turkey with THAT.

LIBRA: Bake sale! And this time, I really think the other moms believed the Twinkies were homemade. Because, yeah. Twinkies. Everyone has a family recipe for Twinkies.

SCORPIO: It's your birthday month! Pffft. Like that's meant anything for 20 years.

SAGITTARIUS: The stars are aligned! In the tattoo your daughter got! On her left buttock! With your money!

CAPRICORN: Your zodiac symbol is the seagoat. Is that ancient Greek for bastard?

AQUARIUS: White linens. Polished silver. Free range turkey. Calligraphy place cards. Sunflowers arranged just so. Crystal goblets of Chardonnay. Heirloom squash. The children scrubbed and pressed. A handful of organic Xanax.

PISCES: It's okay to buy a scarecrow at the hardware store. It's not okay to leave him in the passenger seat for three months because you think he's a great conversationalist.