the grandparental hand-off: proceed with caution

BY ML PHILPOTT

When dropping a child off with grandparents for a weekend, communication is key. Go over any instructions clearly. Should the generational gap expose some differences in childcare tactics, don't worry. Remain upbeat. Remember: If this goes well, you've got the weekend off.

Let's take an actual conversation as an educational sample. Here, I attempt to explain to my mother that my child has recently overcome a case of lice.

Mom: "What is that?"

Me: "That's your grandson."

Mom: "You shaved my grandbaby's head."

Me: "And now he's lice-free."

Mom: "Lice?"

Me: "Lice."

Mom: "LICE??"

Me: "You're hearing me say lice, right?"

Mom: "Who gave him lice?"

Me: "The second grade. But it was a month ago. It's over."

Mom: "You need to teach him how to use soap."

(Pause: This is where you may feel naturally inclined to defend your parenting practices. That's not the point. Stay cool. Think about how you should and should NOT respond to the following statements.)

Mom: "He looks like the Marines."

Do not salute and say: Semper Fi.

Do say: "Yes, ma'am."

Mom: "Better put some lice-killer on him."

Do not say: No shit.

Do say: "Why, we think alike! I already did."

Mom: "You should just put it on him every day, to be on the safe side."

Do not say: Daily application of insecticide to a child's scalp is THE SAFE SIDE?

Do say: "He'll be just fine now."

Mom: "Should we spritz him with the dog's flea spray?"

Do not grab your child and hide him behind your back.

Do say: "Well, since he doesn't have fleas, let's not."

Mom: "I might splash a little of that Clinique toner on his head."

Do not stop to wonder: Clinique still sells that?

Do say: "You know, his skin tone is pretty good already."

Mom: "Oh, I have some Raid Ant and Wasp Formula!"

Do not say: Oh, hell no.

Do say: "Oh, I don't think so."

Mom: "Windex?"

Do not arch an eyebrow and ask: Does he appear to be in need of a streak-free shine?

Do say, politely: "No, thank you."

Mom: "Well. I just don't want to have to set all my pillows on fire."

Do not say: I'm a little afraid that if I walk out of this room right now, you're going to set your grandson's head ablaze.

Do say: "Oh, there's no need to go to any trouble."

While continuing to exercise conversational restraint, you may begin to casually confiscate any substances from the home that may be harmful to your child.

In conclusion: Do not panic. Do make sure your child has cab fare and your cellphone number before you go.

Have a great weekend.

ML Philpott is a freelance writer and amateur parent. She writes sometimes for serious clients and sometimes for an audience of over 11 readers at Shooting the Breeze, a shared blog where she plays well with others and does not hit or bite.