teach your kids to stay safe from cannibals

BY SHELLEY ONTIS

Vampires today sparkle like glitter and plastic googly eyes left out in the sun. A werewolf is more likely to bare his chest as he gives you the shirt off his back than he is to claw someone else's chest open. And lumbering zombies can't catch you unless you fall down, stay there for a few minutes, and decide to run in reverse just for kicks. But angry cannibals are everywhere, and no one is talking about them.

Here are the warning signs written especially for today's easily distracted kids. You can just print the tips and hand them over -- no need to interrupt them while they're playing six consecutive hours of World of Warcraft or trading "lulz" on Facebook with people they ignore in the hallway at school.

The Cannibal Hair Stylist: Some angry cannibal lairs are disguised as beauty and tanning salons where girls like to flock. Before you let the stylist tie the hair-bib around your neck, have a look around. Combs, clippers, scissors, and cans of hairspray are OK. Salad tongs, pepper mills, and melon ballers are signs that your haircut is going to be a bit too short. Also, check the controls on the tanning beds. If there are buttons labeled "Popcorn" and "Defrost," and the tanning lotion smells like honey-mustard sauce, don't get in.

The Cannibal Librarian: Special reading rooms for younger kids that have lettuce leaves as floor mats and big hoagie buns as reading chairs are bad, bad news. Scream "Twilight is the bestest book ever wroted!" as this acts like a Taser shot to the librarian brain and will allow you to escape.

The Cannibal Teacher: If your teacher stops in mid-sentence, pulls out a mini-grater, and starts seasoning you up with the piece of chalk she was using (which is probably a cleverly disguised stick of parmesan cheese), then your teacher is really a cannibal. Flip open your history book to the portrait of William Howard Taft. She'll be mesmerized long enough for you to make your getaway because, let's face it, Taft looked delicious.

The Cannibal Principal or Dean of Students: The fact that the person in question is a school principal automatically tips the odds towards cannibalism and the likelihood that he picks his teeth with the bleached bones of formerly yummy people. To determine if your principal is a cannibal, stand in front of him and say "I know you are but what am I?" in a high-pitched voice for 30 minutes or until veins pop out on his neck. If he only expels you without wondering aloud if you look like you'd go better with carrots or something leafy and green, then you can breathe a sigh of relief.

Shelley writes for a living when she's not either driving her teenager around or weeping into the cell phone bill. Her writing has appeared or is forthcoming in over 25 publications, with humor published in places like Defenestration, AntipodeanSF and Planet Relish. Her blog is Having Written. She can be reached at shelleyo@gtec.com.