selected menu items from the Pregnant Cafe

BY WHITNEY COLLINS

Appeteasers
One handful of Nutella, one handful of wasabi peas.
Assorted Tums, Melba toast.
Mini corndogs with a side of dryer lint.

Chef's Special
Savory braised short ribs with ancho chile sauce, haricots verts, caramelized onions, and two unfrosted blueberry Pop-Tarts. Or, excuse me, frosted. Frosted, I said! Geez. You don't have to cry about it.

South O' The Border
A plain flour tortilla torn into strips then rubbed into a pile of table salt.

Fruit Plate
Two mouthfuls of Reddi-wip, one bag of strawberry Twizzlers, cubed watermelon -- no never mind. Cubed cantaloupe -- no never mind. Canned pears. Cold.

Sorry 'Bout Your Luck
Eighteen fortune cookies and an O'Doul's.

Whadda You Lookin' At?
One carnival-sized smoked turkey leg eaten in carpool line.

Surf 'N' Turf
Captain D's fried clams and a slice of roast beef. Not Arby's roast beef or Hillshire Farm's roast beef, but tenderloin. Medium rare, from someone's wedding. Yeah, beef from a carving station! Sort of lukewarm, too. And juicy, but I don't want to see any blood on the plate. Yes. That's it!! EXACTLY. Where can we get some of that? And horseradish. Oh, kill me now! Creamy, heavenly horseradish. Now!! Please hurry and find it before I fall asleep. Because if I fall asleep, when I wake up, all I'll probably want is a cherry blintz.

Soup Du Jour
Chili from a can. Cheap, generic chili. Damn that sounds good.

Bad Mommy
Tuna tartare, assorted luncheon meats, two raw eggs, a wedge of brie, and a shot of Sweet'N Low-infused vodka.

Breakfast Of Champions
School tacos for this crazy-ass bitch.

We Won't Tell Anyone
A bottle of Kikkoman's and a bendable straw.

Whitney Collins will have what she's having. And he's having. And you're having. She can be reached at: whitneycollins@mac.com.