family physician notes

BY DAVID CRAWFORD

Case #1: Twin 8-year-old patients presented in overall good spirits but with numerous layers of dirt encrusting their bodies. Alarming smells detected, faces covered with crumbs and melted substance. Preliminary identification of mystery substance is unauthorized chocolate of some form -- possibly Fudgsicle, possibly chocolate cake. Detailed lab report to follow.

Completed brief examination and took complete history. Apparently patients were quietly drawing pictures and being very good when they fell in a mud bog and happened upon a chocolate cake.

Prescribed immediate bath, teeth brushing, and bed rest. Medicinal smack to cute bare behinds administered as giggling patients scuttled to tub. Story reading on big Mom-and-Dad bed also prescribed. Complete recovery. Case closed.

Case #2: Patient presented gushing red fluid from major artery. Other symptoms included odd noises and smells emanating from patient's hindquarters. Patient is 12-year-old, 4-door sedan with transmission thrombosis and other irregularities. Barely ambulatory, patient hemorrhaged fluid all way to ER clinic where emergency surgery commenced.

Discharge of patient expected today with a full recovery anticipated. Note: this patient is not covered by universal health care. A plea of poverty will be issued to attending emergency physicians, hoping for leniency. None anticipated. Case (hopefully) closed.

Case #3: Patient presented with wet eyes and oozing, shallow knee trauma (lab identifies as "scrape") approximately one inch in diameter. Patient describes injury as "my whole leg!" Granulated road material present in wound, gently cleaned with water from squirt gun, soapy cloth, (formerly) clean towel. Cause of injury described as "riding bike with no hands." Patient counseled with questioning eyebrow, lesson learned with no post-traumatic lecturing required.

Amputation of limb considered, discussed. Patient insisted on Spiderman bandage in lieu of amputation. Pain medication declined by brave patient. Bravery level 6/10 noted for record.

Bandaging of patient proceeded without incident, smile returning to face immediately upon application of sterile tissue to wet cheeks, kiss upon general region of wound. Physical therapy consisting of "Mario Cart racing using Wii instrumentation" prescribed for one half hour, no cheating or beating up sister. Case closed.

Case #4: Patient presented experiencing considerable trauma in the head, neck, and abdomen region. Symptoms included missing eye, partial disembowelment, fang marks, extreme wetness (lab identifies as "dog slobber").  Patient described as "Tiger" and "Favorite Stuffy" by traumatized relative of patient. Source of trauma described as "canine discovering cheese substance from dinner table smeared over stuffy, with subsequent frenzied attack upon said stuffy by said canine." Law enforcement note: charges of "Bad Dog!" pending.

Despite best efforts of ER team, patient succumbed to injuries. Distraught relative, who brought patient to ER in first place, dismisses death with a shrug and "Oh well" response and continues playing with 67 remaining stuffies in bedroom.

Patient returned to assailant via "corpse tossing" technique and "pulling dog around slippery floor by her teeth" procedure.  Case closed.

Case #5: Patient presented showing localized swelling in several areas of body. Preliminary diagnosis: "skeeter" bites.

Immediate immobilization upon couch prescribed, with attending physician administering small doses of medicine (Witch Hazel -- actually, water poured into empty Witch Hazel bottle since supply was exhausted) to itchy wounds via medicinal cotton ball. Immediate cessation of itchiness results. Patient confirms belief that attending physician is the "Best Doctor in the Whole Wide World." Case closed via loud, smacky kisses.

Physician smiles.  Just another day at the office.

David is a syndicated columnist in Canada and has won the America's Funniest Humor Writing Contest three times. He can be reached at: funnycolumn@gmail.com.