last night: my power outage journal

BY KIM SWED

The storm was approaching, the power went out, and my journal began...

3:07 p.m. The power's out and I kinda like it. Cutting off communication with the outside world is just what this family needs to focus on one another and enjoy each other's company. I'm going to snuggle with Ana and read her a book.

3:38 p.m. I've read 18 books, shoot me now. By the time I got to book #7, I was just making shit up. God help me if she tells anyone about the time Jessie gave Buzz a "Woody." I thought it was funny but I can see how it might look bad.

4:02 p.m. Collin just got home from school and Brian came down from his upstairs office. I'm going to suggest we all hang out in the family room and maybe play games.

4:15 p.m. Brian and I just argued over whether or not to order pizza. He's afraid the pizza guy will get stranded here during the storm, and we'll all be forced to put on pants and entertain him until it lets up.

4:18 p.m. Get dressed bitches, I just ordered pizza!

4:26 p.m. I can't take it! Between the yelling, the balls to the head, and the godawful farting (who's doing it?), I'm going to lose it! I'm starting to get a headache from clenching my jaw.

4:29 p.m. Turns out it's Mr. Bojangles who's been farting. But quite honestly, his timing couldn't be better. Every time he farts, I claim it was me and excuse myself to the bathroom. I've been using the alone-time to build a shrine, a memorial to my sanity. It sits next to the pedestal sink so everyone can pay their respects while they’re peeing.

Goodbye Sanity. You will be missed. Love, Me

4:32 p.m. I've decided I can't do this all night. I'm currently scouting out possible hiding locations for myself come nightfall. I'm leaning towards the pantry.

4:34 p.m. My god, all this family wants to do is eat. I scratched "pantry" off my list of hiding places.

4:36 p.m. Using only a paper clip and the dry skin on my arm, I've inconspicuously written a list of items that I'll need to survive through the night. It's pretty bare-bones. I imagine this is what my camping list would look like if I was ever crazy enough to go camping.

Provisions:
A bottle of Cabernet from the Napa region
A selection of cheeses (Gruyere, Stilton blue, an aged cheddar, and a herb Havarti)
Crackers
Corkscrew
My chocolate chip bag from Costco
Water
Bucket to pee in

4:38 p.m. Ana keeps calling me "poopy stinkybutt." Whatever. I'll be gone soon enough. Come on darkness.

4:43 p.m. It's getting darker. Our pizza has arrived and I've eaten in preparation. I have a full belly and I'm feeling giddy.

4:46 p.m. I've decided on the coat closet as this saves me from dragging down a pillow and blankets.

4:52 p.m. All my supplies are in place. I realize it's crucial that I take the necessary precautions to thwart any attempts to find me. So far, I've hidden all the C and D batteries that could be used to power their flashlights in case they orchestrate a witch hunt. I've even sprayed myself with Febreze so the dog can't track me.

4:54 p.m. In six minutes, I'm going into the closet. My euphoria has inspired me to write:

Darkness has finally fallen
and my memorial burns bright
buried in the winter coats
hidden from all sight

I happily pour my Cabernet
with a snow boot up my ass
I can't hear your constant bitching
and to that I raise my glass.

-- K.S.

4:59 p.m. The power came back on. Godammit.

Kim Swed is a wife, stay-at-home mother of two kids, and a lover of all things Cabernet. Her lack of consistent adult interactions has created a warped sense of humor that will most likely leave you feeling like a superior parent and an all-around better person. You're welcome! Kim's blog is www.oneclassymotha.com.