Q: Can we use your bathroom?

A: You can if you buy something. You were going to buy something, right? Or were you just looking? Because we get that all the time. Folks coming into our website under the guise of "browsing," when really what they're looking for is a place to pop a free squat. That better not be you. Also, if you break it, you buy it. So, while you're here, let's keep our hands in our pockets, OK? Also, that kid of yours looks shady. No, not that kid. The one with the mustache and cargo pants. You know, we have cameras in our dressing rooms.

 

Q: My husband and I are jewelers and we want to name our first-born daughter something special. We can't decide between Carat or Karat. What do you think?

A: Simple. Celerie.

 

Q: What's a better baby gift: a sterling rattle or a sterling porringer?

A: Tequila.

 

Q: Our 9-year-old wants to watch a PG-13 movie. We think he's too young. Is there some sort of formula to determine when a child is mature enough for certain ratings?

A: Absolutely! To determine if a child is ready for a PG-13 film, take his or her age, divide it by 32, then take the square root of that number and round it to the nearest thousandth. Next, add your age (the age you were when you lost your virginity; yes, that time counts), subtract the number of hamsters your second grader has gone through (natural deaths excluded), then multiply it by the number of miniature Snickers you (alone, Porky) average during the Halloween season, assuming the Halloween season runs from October 2 through November 3, unless November 3 happens to also be Election Day, which, in that case, consider the Halloween season over on November 4, unless November 4 is a Sunday. If it is a Sunday, start the equation over and divide by .746 instead of 32. In either scenario, your final number should equal something close to 12.5. Which means your child can watch the movie when it comes up on your Netflix queue, but not in the theater. Unless it's being shown in 3-D.

To determine if your child is ready for an R-rated film, divide the movie's nipple cameos by its F-bombs. This won't tell you a damn thing, but it makes a fairly decent drinking game.

 

Q: I've heard domesticated felines can suck the breath from a baby. Are cats dangerous to newborns?

A: Only those with a concealed carry license. (Those and the nefarious calico.)

 

Q: Is Agnes too traditional a name for a modern-day girl?

A: Not if she's unattractive.

 

Q: How many children does the average American have?

A: 1.86

 

Q: What does the .86 refer to?

A: Typically girls named Peggy and boys named Pegleg.

 

Q: Are baby monitors necessary?

A: Only if you are interested in hearing what your baby says about you behind closed doors. Not recommended.

 

Q: Do you know the way to San Jose?

A: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa-whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa-whoa.

 

Q: Can you think of something quick, cheap, tasty, and nutritious I can make for dinner?

A: Yes. Quiche Calico.