well-meaning mother literally mortifies teenage daughter

BY WHITNEY COLLINS

WESTFIELD, TN -- Tuesday morning, local mother Barb Donally literally mortified her 15-year-old daughter, Kourteney, in the school supplies section of the Hwy. 53 SuperTarget.

"I'm not sure what triggered it," sobbed Donally, who wore magenta Spandex shorts, a That's So Raven sun visor, and fluorescent green Crocs with black knee-high nylons. "She started looking pale when I loudly suggested a Hello Kitty Trapper Keeper. And paler still when I confessed that Nick Jonas was, in my humble opinion, the cutest of the three brothers."

"The next thing I knew," Donally recalled, trembling. "There was Kourteney: stiff as an ironing board and suffering from a severe case of gangrene right by the spiral notebooks."

Paramedics were called to the scene by check-out lady, Ruth Holt, who had to come in from her smoke break in the parking lot to show a trainee how to dial 9-1-1.

"I saw the Donallys come in right after we opened," Holt said. "And before they could even get past the Juniors department, the mother had spilled the contents of her knock-off Prada near Swimwear. The woman got all tangled up in a rack of string bikinis trying to find her cell phone."

Holt laughed. "I don't know how she could've lost that. The phone was the size of a microwave oven."

Shopper Lyle Showalter had seen the ill-fated Donallys in Intimates several minutes before the incident.

"I overheard the mother telling another customer about her hysterectomy," said Showalter. "Then she proceeded to try on a strapless bra over her Katy Perry hoodie before farting."

Paramedics were able to revive the teen, but only temporarily.

"When she came to," one EMT said, "The poor girl took one look around before grabbing a metal three-hole punch from the shelf and knocking herself out again."

A second EMT was less concerned. "We see several dozen cases like this every August. At back-to-school sales all over town, teens just drop like flies."

Perhaps the most logical explanation for young Kourteney Donally's sudden onset of necrosis came from Dustin O'Malley -- a classmate and former fling of Kourteney's who watched, unfazed, from a seat at the store's Pizza Hut Express while the girl was carried off on a stretcher.

"Dude," said O'Malley. "It was weird. I just happened to like bump into her when I was buying some Wite-Out. She looked pretty hot, but she was like all nervous and shit."

"Then her mom held up something from their cart. I dunno, a big-ass box of tampons or some crap like that. The next thing you know: Bam! The chick was out." O'Malley shrugged. "Sucks for her."

Whitney Collins has already succeeded in humiliating her three-year-old by getting the lyrics to the Clifford theme song wrong. She can be reached at: whitneycollins@mac.com.