attention-hungry celebrities crash school play

BY LISA HUBBARD

TOLEDO, OH -- Last Monday night, just 10 minutes into the rollicking Food Groups play put on every September by Greenwillow Elementary's second graders, a smattering of celebrities brought down the house -- and not in a good way.

"It was just tragic," sniffed teaching assistant Patsy Gund. "Little Billy Lawson had spent the past two weeks working up the nerve to dress as a giant wedge of cheddar, and then Kanye West just had to jump on stage during Billy’s dairy monologue."

According to audience members, Billy Lawson was rendered speechless when West grabbed his microphone, pointed to low-fat yogurt Roger Timmons, and proceeded to denounce the merits of aged cheeses.

"That yogurt's damn good," West bellowed. "I'd eat Dannon Fruit on the Bottom any day over a hunk of  Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp."

After West was escorted from the premises, it appeared things were back on track when the Vegetable Group graced the stage, but seconds after Betsy Field began singing about the nutritional value of turnips, South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson stood up in the back row and shouted, "You lie!"

"Unthinkable," said stone-faced principal Roger Noonan. "Simply and utterly appalling. I mean who humiliates a kid dressed as a rutabaga? Like that's not humiliating enough."

Things went from ugly to horrific after that. When the dancing apples ensemble took the stage, tennis player Serena Williams appeared out of nowhere, pointed to a couple of strips of gaffer's tape on the floor, and threatened to kill drama teacher Eugene Dempsey.

"I thought she said she was going to shove an apple down his f--king throat," said one visibly shaken parent.

"No," said another. "I think it was his ass."

By the time the "Bread, Cereal, Rice, and Pasta" troupe tiptoed into the spotlight, most everyone was convinced the storm had passed. That was until Lady Gaga descended from the rafters wearing nothing more than ass-less chaps and proceeded to gouge her eyes out with a pair of salad tongs.

"That's what hermaphrodites do, I guess," shrugged gym coach Al Snyder. "Now. Where's that Hennessey we confiscated from Kanye?"

School counselors will be on site Tuesday to help students cope with the tragedy. And Eugene Dempsey will receive a paid leave of absence.

"It was a bad night," admitted Principal Noonan. "A real bad night. Worst part of it all was missing the Michael Jackson tribute. I waited two goddamn months to see the asparagus do the moonwalk."

Lisa Hubbard is thinking about shaving her head and taking an umbrella to a car door if the paparazzi don't leave her alone.