slipping out

BY CHRIS MONTGOMERY

It's Saturday, 4:15 a.m. An inhuman hour for some, yes? For others, though, and I am speaking to you Good Parent, this could be the hour of freedom, the hour to rise from bed and sneak out to -- Walmart. Yes Walmart. It's open 24/7, and it's much more exciting than the Circle K. While some may rise to do the morning run without a stroller, or study the newspaper without being asked a "Daddy, can I..." every other second, I choose to evaporate from the house as silently as steam from a boiling pot of macaroni and cheese.

Leaving the house like a cat burglar is not as simple as one might think. One must maintain both calmness of mind and smoothness of motion (read: don't trip over things). Also, children's minds are not as cluttered with the noise (read: chaos) of the adult world, and thus they have the ability to sense when you're awake and planning to do something exciting. Something "without them."

Take heed: It is this last part that can wake the sleeping child quickly. Should your child sense that you are awake and going about business as usual (which usually means they will reap the culinary delights of pancakes or Honey Nut Cheerios), they may simply continue sleeping as though all is right with the world. However, Good Parent, should you become too excited about your adventure, should you begin to anticipate wandering endless aisles of holiday decorations, Tupperware, and sporting goods without the sounds of "Ohhh! Can I have? Can we get? OHH! I want thaaat..." then the child may suddenly realize what is about to happen and bolt awake. You'll know it when it happens. Though it may only be 4:30 in the morning, you will sense the sudden electricity in the air, the kind that comes just before lightning strikes. Quick! No time to look good! No time for mouthwash! If you can't find your shoes, wear your slippers! Get the keys and get out. Remember, the OTHER parent is HOME, so it's OK to leave. For the love of caffeine though, don't forget your wallet!

Note: You must clear the door before the child has spotted you. This is a safety issue since the child could try to chase after you and latch on. Once in the car, and safely two or three houses down the street, you can take a deep breath and relax your mind. Feel the rush of the open road! Let the silence of the morning, empty of bickering gnomes in the back seat whining for their sippy cup, wash over you. Ahhhh! Breathe! Life is quiet again.

I am not alone in my sneaking out of the house, and I can tell you this with full confidence. I know this because I wander the Walmart with other groggy-looking parents, power-walking retirees, and the wayward meth-head lurking in the cold medicine aisle. Like members of some secret guild, we share careful, knowing glances under lowered eyelids, not daring to stop for idle small talk at the cost of losing a precious moment of "me" time.

Somewhere in the annals of parenting books and magazines it is said (or it should be) that regardless of what "me" time you find for yourself, you will end up doing things for your kids, or, at the very least, thinking about doing them. When you wander down the aisles looking at new television sets, 10 different kinds of chocolate bars, or cheap graphic design tees depicting cackling skulls with wings growing out of their ears, you will begin to think of the kids. At first you may resist this feeling, but you will be unsuccessful in your attempts. That flat screen HD television that comes with a discounted Blu-ray player will lead to thoughts of how much fun the kids will have playing the Wii Mario Kart. The chocolate? Forget about not buying extra for the kids; what kind of a neglectful monster eats chocolate without sharing it with the kids?

The kids do have clothes, though, so surely you can peruse the high-fashion items of the big-box giant without feeling like a selfish loser. Right? Hmmm. One look at those cute little mini-me tees with gems screened onto their fronts (such as: "I perform all my own stunts" and "I still live at home with my parents") and, without conscious assessment of the situation, you will find yourself back in full-parent mode, all thoughts of your "me" time gone. You will fold without even realizing you've thrown your hand.

Now, go quickly! You will need to sneak back into the house quietly so as not to wake the kids and ruin the surprises! Chocolate, donuts, new shirts? Make some pancake batter! I don't care if you put it together from scratch or pour it out of the Bisquick box, just don't forget the syrup! Pop for the pure maple, please, not that corn syrup chemical potion. Now, sit back and relax. The kids will be up soon (the smell of pancakes is a great lure), and you need some "alone time" to plan your next escape.

Chris is a 37-year-old stay-at-home Dad who quit a titillating career in decorative remodeling sales over five years ago to be the primary caregiver to the kids. Almost six years later, Zachary (6) and Hannah Grace (4) are still thriving. Mom is just glad she gets to go to work. Chris can be reached at: chrismont36@gmail.com.