seamless

BY BETH MOORMAN

When did the entire world go seamless? I admit that I have never been on the cutting edge of fashion, but I do take some pride in my personal appearance. Therefore, after a hiatus from regular clothes to bear three children, I was looking forward to updating my wardrobe. Years of shopping at Moo Moo Maternity had really set me behind -- no pun intended. However, my celebration to be back in a regular pair of pants was soon dampened by the news that you are a huge loser if any sort of a panty line is visible. An exposed bra strap, however, is in. Thank goodness for the tutorial of a blunt babysitter.

Suddenly, the routine task of buying underwear thrust me into unchartered waters. As I navigated my way around the lingerie department one afternoon, it wasn't long before I wished I were in a foreign country with no language skills. I would be mortified if someone I knew saw me trying to pick out the risqué undergarments necessary to achieve the seamless look. I blushed as a shoved a few thongs in my bag to take back to the fitting room. Weren't these the same as those controversial "crotch floss" bikini bottoms making headlines in beach communities a few years back?

In retrospect, it was not the wisest decision to place unpaid merchandise in my purse as a way to avoid drawing attention to myself. In fact, that strategy completely backfired. I jumped when I heard a gruff voice clearly directed toward me.

"Excuse me, Ma'am, I saw you take those V-Strings."

I spun around to see not only a tall saleswoman, but also several other shoppers looking at me. "Huh? The whats?" My answer revealed my lingerie IQ.

"The O-Ring satin extreme V-Strings," she replied tersely, then clarified: "In your bag."

"Ohhhh…these! These aren't thongs?" I whispered, confused. "I just didn't feel like I should be carrying them around the store, you know, in case I saw someone I knew. You know, like my daughter's kindergarten teacher or my husband's boss. Seriously, this is a terrible misunderstanding."

The saleswoman/undercover cop grudgingly gave me the benefit of the doubt and led me by the arm to the dressing room. There she stood over me, initially skeptical of my innocence, as I tried on the items. But it was soon clear that I was vindicated in the eyes of Tanya; first of all, a look at my current underwear made it obvious that I was not a slick sticky fingers attempting a 5-finger discount to update my lingerie drawer.

"Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed as I changed. "I didn't even know they still made those!"

Secondly, my ignorance -- as well as my innocence -- was confirmed after I tried on the first item. "So, what do you think?" I asked her.

"Uh, Honey. They're on completely sideways." She shook her head with pity.

Additional mortification for me. As if the near-arrest and the fact that I was 90% naked in a 2'x2' cubicle with a total stranger wasn't enough.

"Sweetie, let's switch gears and work up top," suggested Tanya. "I think I know something that can, well, help."

My last shred of dignity was quickly out the door with Tanya. I wrapped myself in the curtain while I waited. She was back in a flash (again, no pun intended) with a contraption that looked like two jellyfish held together by a clip.

"A breast enhancement without the surgery," she announced cheerfully. "And so much more affordable at $79 a set. Perfect for special occasions and eveningwear."

"Well, we women sure have come a long way since wearing Band-Aids under a bridesmaid dress, haven't we?” I said sarcastically as I tried to arrange them on my body.

"Huh? Band-Aids?" This time it was Tanya who was confused.

"Uh, never mind." I had clearly dated myself, and I'm not even that old. "So. How do these look?"

"Ohhhhh," she replied, deflated. "I've never seen them do that before."

Frustrated, I leaned over to pick up my bags and leave. With that graceful gesture, I completely mooned poor Tanya in my new Old Navy jeans, which labels should state: We recommend trying gymnastics in these clothes prior to purchasing to ensure that the customer is not later arrested for indecent exposure.

"Do you want to look at the low-rises before you go?" Tanya offered weakly. She had literally seen enough of me.

"No thank you," I said. "I am finished with underwear and on my way to look for outerwear!"

Ponchos, in particular.

Beth Moorman is the mother of three girls and lives in Richmond, VA. She can be reached at: robnbethmoorman@comcast.net.