children rot your brain

BY TIFFANY CLARKE HARRISON

I'm taking an executive communications class this summer and on the first night we talked about how over 90% of our communication is nonverbal. This is interesting to me because I spend most of my day barking at certain children who either:

a) Insist on telling Mommy they have to go pee-pee three times at Ikea only to sit on the toilet and do everything but expel bodily waste;

b) Try to vomit on purpose because a certain younger brother has just vomited and is getting all of the attention;
- or -

c) Call every black man we see out in public "Daddy."

Basically, I talk all day. And by talk I mean: "Stop that!" "Sit down!" "Get off of your brother!" "Eat your lunch!" "‘I'm serious!" "Are you kidding me?!" "Did you just poop?!"

You know, normal stuff.

And the "Did you just poop?!" isn't even really accurate because, in addition to calling me "Tiffany" instead of "Mommy," my 3-year-old daughter insists on referring to the products of her bodily functions as yellow and/or brown.

Me, smelling poop: G, did you just poop?
G: No...
Me: Did you go brown?
G: BROWN!!!

Because, apparently, brown is way more awesome than yellow on the exclamation meter. Really, it's a wonder I'm still able to form simple declarative sentences.

So, when, a couple of weeks ago as I was leaving class, and talking to a classmate about things completely unrelated to the colors of urine and fecal matter, I somehow chose to completely ignore her nonverbal cues of trying to escape from me and instead kept right on talking. She would back away, I would move forward. She'd rifle in her bag for her keys, I'd try and woo her with another bit of information. She'd pretty much ceased responding to anything I was saying, I kept right on saying it.

Now, not only have I been lobotomized by my children, but I'm also socially inept. Kind of like the sad girl behind the counter at Starbucks who offers too much information.

Overly chipper and self-absorbed customer: How are you today?!
Sad coffee girl: Miserable. Lonely. Wallowing in self-pity and doubt.
Customer: Great! I'll have a grande vanilla skim latte please!

See? Social pariah. I'm well on my way.

Tiffany is a full-time mom to a toddler and infant. She's also a wife, MBA student, and a writer/blogger. She is actively seeking representation for her first novel and hopes to finish her second this year. Also, if she has to watch another episode of "Dora the Explorer," she might soil herself. Tiffany can be reached at: tiffontheverge@gmail.com.