*billions and billions served since 1592

BY CAROLINE BICKS AND MICHELLE EPHRAIM

Welcome to Chicken McShakespeare, where two Shakespeare professors (and moms) serve up juicy nuggets of parenting advice, courtesy of The Bard and his cast of characters.

 

SH** SHAKESPEARE'S FATHERS SAID (OR MIGHT HAVE SAID HAD ANYONE ASKED THEM)

 It's that time of the year again: Summer. The season when dads really get to shine on the domestic front -- showing off their lawn-care skills, their BBQ-ing bravado, and revealing their big plans to build a back deck or take a chainsaw to that downed tree.

We thought it would be fun to ask our favorite Shakespearean dads what they're planning to do for the summer. What gives them that extra man-thrill when the livin' is easy? And we figured: who better to ask than Brendon and Marc -- the men behind the women of our blog: Everyday Shakespeare.

Meet the Everyday Shakespeare Husbands: 

After initially resisting fatherhood, Brendon now accepts that the two minors living in his house are his children, and that they aren't leaving for many, many years. In his spare time, he enjoys serial trips to Home Depot to find the exact right screw size, trying to grow one tomato before the squirrels get it, and dreaming about using a chainsaw if only Caroline would let him risk it. When he retires, he thinks that Caroline is moving to Ketchikan, AK, to live on a fishing boat with him. Brendon is a dreamer.

Marc enjoys math, electronic devices, and steak tips. His childhood passion for programming video games has evolved into a day job involving data sets and Game Theory. He is a popular professor and boasts a full head of hair. Marc loves to spend time at the grill, which he affectionately refers to as "the only place in the f***ing house where the kids will leave me alone." He is proud of the impressive hunks of meat and fish he has served at his many dinner parties and enjoys teaching others about the pleasures of BBQ-ing. He does not like cleaning up. 

Meet the Shakespeare Dads:

Hamlet, Sr. (Hamlet): After being murdered by his brother, this late King of Denmark doesn't call it quits. Now he's a ghost with an attitude who enjoys guilt-tripping his son from beyond the grave.

Shylock (The Merchant of Venice): This Jewish money lender has his work cut out for him. Anti-Semitism and a too-sexy-too-soon daughter are just the start to this guy's problems.

King Lear (King Lear): Two words: Control Issues. This dad thinks he's got parenting and home maintenance all worked out. He enjoys "dropping in" on his married daughters and staying for a few months, shirking all kingly responsibilities, and then threatening his children with disinheritance when they don't kiss his ass.

Prospero (The Tempest): This bookish dad enjoys using his magic to stir up tempests, to enslave humans and non-humans, and to control his teenage daughter. Maybe Mr. Happy-Wand should look at the man in the mirror. Maybe he should put down the magic and think about karma.

Polonius (Hamlet): Father Knows Best -- at least this dad thinks he does. When he isn't spying on his son or checking his daughter Ophelia's chastity belt, Polonius enjoys dispensing random pieces of "advice" to anyone who'll listen.

King Henry VIII (Henry VIII or What You Will, also real-life King of England from 1509-1547): Don't mess with this Big Daddy. Can you produce a male heir? No? Then watch your back, ladies, cuz he'll chop off your head while munching on a leg of mutton. In his spare time, he enjoys rewriting Papal Law so he can marry whomever it is he wants to knock up that month.

Leontes (The Winter's Tale): King of Sicilia and, in his own paranoid little mind, King of the Cuckolds. When he isn't putting his wife Hermione on trial for adultery and treason, he enjoys scrutinizing his son for genetic markers and bullying courtiers into killing his newborn daughter.

So, without further ado, let's hand things over to the DADS...

Brendon: Hi, guys. So, I have to admit, I was pretty nervous about becoming a father. Did you ever have doubts when it came to having your kids?

Leontes: If by "my kids" you mean "the small people birthed by my wife who live under my roof," then the answer would be: "Is the Pope Catholic?"

Henry VIII: What does it matter if the Pope's Catholic? I never let that get in my way. Listen, having my son was the greatest decision I ever made. So what if it took me a couple of wives? That's what you do for your son. Am I right, gentlemen?

Leontes: Ha!

Henry VIII: Excuse me?

Leontes: If you believe your son's your son, then I've got some primo oceanfront property for you in the Gobi Desert.

Brendon: Well, how about the rest of you? Now that you have your kids, don't you look forward to things like playing baseball with them and getting homemade Father's Day gifts?

Leontes: I banned Father's Day from my Kingdom. It's a sucker's holiday.

King Lear: Actually, Father's Day is a National Holiday in my kingdom. My, what a time we have! All of the fathers sit around all day while their daughters serve them. Or is that Dress-Down Fridays? Or every Wednesday? Oh, well, the point is, Father's Day is a perfect opportunity to remind children where they stand. And to remind yourself that cake is a nummy treat that tastes even better when your daughter spoon-feeds it to you.

Hamlet, Sr.: I wouldn't know about that since my manly loins only generate sons. My Hamlet once wrote me an interesting poem for Father's Day: "Roses are red, blood is too. Why did you have me? Adieu, world, adieu."

Shylock: Who are you calling "Jew?"

Hamlet, Sr.: Pardon me?

Shylock: Pardon you? Easy for you to say! You crap on generations of my people and expect me to pardon you?

Hamlet, Sr.: Little man, I've never seen you before in my life.

Brendon: You know what I've never seen? A perfect tomato. I’ve been trying for years to grow one, but they keep getting eaten by animals or fungus. Any advice?

Polonius: Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Don't take any wooden nickels. Semper ubi sub ubi. Tut, tut, it looks like rain.

Brendon: So…I should just hope for rain?

Prospero: Well, some of us don't need to hope for things like that: we just make it happen. Frankly, I find your tomato problem entirely pedestrian. But if you insist on my engaging with it, I would suggest enslaving an inferior creature to guard your plants.

Shylock: Who're you calling an "inferior creature?"

Prospero: Hoo boy, here we go again.

Brendon: Shylock, tell me, what home improvement projects are you most looking forward to this summer?

Shylock: Well, given that I'm the only one here who actually has to earn his living, it's safe to say I won't have any time for building a sauna or growing the greenest yard. Oh, wait. That's right. I'm not allowed to have a yard. Enjoy the weed-whacking, Christians.

Henry VIII: Weed whackers. Now why didn't I think of that? So much simpler than having to go through all that trial hocus pocus to get to a "legal" beheading. Genius!

Hamlet, Sr.: I had a lovely garden once where I enjoyed taking afternoon naps, but then my brother killed me in it, so I don't much like thinking about that anymore. Excuse me, gentlemen, I have to report back to the flames of Purgatory before the sun rises.

Marc: Hey, you know what those flames remind me of? BBQ.

Henry VIII: Yes-ss-ss.

Marc: Whoa! You got a spout hole in your face, King? That's some serious drool.

Shylock: Great. He's gonna spit on me. I know it.

Marc: Shylock, do you know the Goldmans? They're at our synagogue. Mike Goldman just got an unbelievable Webber Summit S-460. It's built into the frickin' wall. We're gonna get some Kosher wings and juice them up with teriyaki.

Polonius: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. A stitch in time saves nine. Keep your legs closed and your hymen closer. I'm talkin' pedicure on our toes, toes, trying on all our clothes, clothes. Boys try to touch my junk, junk. Gonna smack him if he gettin' too drunk, drunk.

Marc: Great idea, Polonius. Who wants to join the party?

Hamlet, Sr.: Ah, for a world solely comprised of you noble men! Please accept my regrets. (He flashes them double "peace" signs and disappears into an engulfing fog.)

Leontes: My wife loves chicken wings. Do you know her?

Marc: Um, I think so. Is she friends with the Finkelsteins?

Leontes: So you do know her! I knew it! That whore falls hook, line and sinker for a full head of hair! Aaahhh!

Prospero: I have a recipe for magic salmon skewers that I would be willing to share with the group. For the small price of your freedom.

Marc: That sounds great. All we need now is some wine.

King Lear: Done and done. I'll have my daughters bring it over. Better yet, I'll have them compete to see who can crush the most grapes using nothing but their bare feet.

(Pssst. Hey, Dads! What Kind of Shakespearean Dad Are YOU? Are you man enough to take our QUIZ and find out?)

 

FROM THE KINDERGARTEN ARCHIVES OF SHAKESPEARE'S MOST TROUBLED CHARACTERS

It's the end of the school year, and that means school fairs, stepping-up ceremonies, and teacher gifts. It also means end-of-year student reports. For parents of Kindergarteners, this may be the first time that a near stranger has presented you with a formal statement about your child's emotional, social, and/or intellectual limitations.

After some rigorous archival research, we've dug up evidence that anxiety-causing assessments of your child are not exclusive to the modern era. So here's our advice: be reassured that you are not alone in your angst, but just part of a long tradition of parents who have been tortured by these uniquely unnerving documents.

 

Shylock has adequately met the requirements of the Kindergarten year at Aryan Hall Prep. A solitary child, Shylock prefers to stay inside during recess, counting the profits from his milk money lending "business," and checking that the windows are locked. Shylock's behavior can seem rigid to his peers. At last month's bake sale, for example, he insisted on weighing each of his classmate's brownies to make sure he was not getting "ripped off."

Shylock does have a mind for numbers and enjoys boasting about his addition and subtraction skills. It would be helpful, however, to remind him that he cannot compete with his peers when it comes to athletics and general affability. Whining that their natural gifts are "unfair" will win him neither friends nor fans amongst the Aryan Prep faculty.

Perhaps Shylock would be happier at the Spoleto Institute of Technology, where his focus on mechanical operations would be better appreciated.

Regards,
Charles Bradford C. Parish IV, Headmaster

After a difficult winter term, Richard enters the summer with far less discontent. Once he learned that biting was not an effective way to attract playmates, he was able to form alliances with some of the other children. He especially enjoyed our unit on Classical Oration and excelled in Debate, presenting a memorable argument for why teachers with poor evaluations should be executed.

Richard obviously enjoyed participating  in Show & Tell, although we do hope you will monitor his selections more closely in the future: his model of a Lancastrian's bloody heart on a dagger was not an appropriate choice, as it frightened our diversity population. Here at York Academy we live by our school motto: Leadership Without Tears.

I regret that I will not be able to continue as Richard's teacher next year when he begins first grade. I am taking a leave of absence in an undisclosed location. Should Richard try to mail me any letters, perhaps it would be best to tell him that I am dead.

Yours in Good Health,
Hank Lancaster

Hamlet is a sensitive child who is easily reduced to tears. He deeply feels other children's pain as his own, and is quick to come to a sad friend's aid by pointing out the relative triviality of his or her suffering.

Earlier in the year, Hamlet assumed that others always knew what was bothering him, and he quickly became agitated when asked to use his words. We are pleased to see that he has made progress in expressing his frustrations, but we would like to support him in finding a more appropriate venue for doing so: he prefers to curl up in a ball and scream at his peers during Group Time, an act that disrupts the delicate circle of trust we seek to build here at The Friends School. A recent incident in which he told Ophelia Wannamaker to jump in a lake was especially unfortunate.

We are confident that, with more practice and positive reinforcement, Hamlet will continue to build his trust in others. We are pleased that he has developed friendships with Joey Rosencrantz and Gunther Guildenstern. Together, they engage in cooperative imaginative play, digging for "bones" in the sandbox and playing "Loony Bin" in the Dramatic Area.

We understand that Hamlet will be spending much of the summer with his mother on a couples retreat at Sandals Middelfart on the Danish coast. While we actively encourage parent-child bonding, we hope that Hamlet will have some time during the school holiday to continue working on social pragmatics with his peers.

Fondly,

Willow Love Knutløøse, Educator and Life Coach

Dear Your Highness,

It is our great honor to present this end-of-year report on your daughter Goneril's progress. As the esteemed founder of our school, you know that we strive to help Exceptional children find productive ways to channel their Exceptional behaviors through teamwork and wilderness challenges. Although we feel that having Goneril repeat her Kindergarten year was beneficial to her personal Exceptionality, we acknowledge that joining her sister Regan as a classmate did present some unforeseen challenges.

While Goneril and Regan did an Exceptional job teaming up with one another, at times their advanced teamwork was too much for the less Exceptional children to navigate. Their impulse to help some of the weaker children climb the Wall of Trust last month was commendable; the removal of these children’s safety harnesses, however, while Exceptionally creative, did imperil and maim some of their more trusting classmates as well as the teachers who tried in vain to break their falls. The upshot of this incident, as you know from our emergency meeting at King Lear County Hospital, is that Jim Gloucester, the Lower School Math instructor, lost an eye.

Goneril's recent Exceptional behavior suggests to us that she may very well have surpassed our own standards. While The King Lear Wilderness School would not be the same without Goneril's Exceptional presence, we humbly recommend homeschooling for this Exceptional girl. Free from the distractions of other children, she will no doubt continue to amaze us all.

Sincerely yours,
Sir Dick Lackey, Servant to the King and his Offspring, Headmaster of the School

Juliet struggled at the beginning of the year to find the correct path towards Chastity and Obedience, but we believe she is now moving in the right direction.

While Juliet is a polite girl who generally does as the nuns ask, she is also naturally curious. In the proper context, this quality is a blessing. She was especially attentive, for example, during Friar Laurence's visit when he let the children sample some of his more unusual herbal concoctions. Unfortunately, her curiosity went a bit too far when she started playing "Five Minutes on the Balcony" with Rosalind Rizzo. This matter was effectively addressed at our November parent-teacher conference. We are pleased to report that Juliet has shown no further signs of this behavior since Rosalind's expulsion, and is now engaging in much more appropriate play. She was utterly convincing as Lazarus rising from the dead in a delightful little production that she and her classmates put on at the school festival for the Assumption of the Virgin.

Juliet's potential to bend to authority will serve her well as she moves forward. Under the watchful eye of the sisters of Sacred Heart Academy and her parents, we are confident that she will blossom into a virtuous young lady of Verona.

May God Bless You and Your Family,
Sister Mary-Margaret Prudence Sanctimonia Scholastica

As noted in our fall report, Falstaff has had a difficult transition to St. Bollocks. At the beginning of the year, Falstaff was unenthusiastic about leaving his seat, even to go the bathroom. However, with the help of one-on-one aid and candy rewards, Falstaff is now showing interest in many aspects of school life, especially music class and all-you-can-eat pizza day at the cafeteria.

Cheers!

Mr. Archibald "Andy" McMurray

 

HOW TO GET IN SHAPE FOR THE SUMMER

Whenever we want answers to our most pressing parenting questions, we turn to Shakespeare's moms for advice. We figure, hey, if they survived murderous children, thankless husbands, and extreme plague conditions, then these are our go-to ladies.

So, now that the weather's warming up, we're thinking about real problems -- like how to hide our muffin-tops at the pool and protect our aging skin from the ravages of the sun. Time to gather our favorite moms for a roundtable on "How To Get in Shape For the Summer."

Meet the Shakespeare Moms:

Hermione (The Winter's Tale) has, until recently, pretended to be dead for sixteen years and disguised herself as a statue. She's gotten back together with her abusive husband even though it's his fault that her children are dead or missing.

Lady Capulet (Romeo and Juliet) is a big snob and has no idea her "perfect" daughter is a sex magnet.

Cleopatra (Antony and Cleopatra) enjoys being the Queen of Egypt, having sex, intimidating her boyfriend Antony by wearing his clothes, and bragging about all her Baby Daddies.

Lady Macbeth (Macbeth) will do anything to be number one, whether it's making her husband kill the King of Scotland or bashing in a baby's head. 

 

Gertrude (Hamlet) is married to the man who killed her husband. In her spare time, she emotionally smothers her son.

The Duchess of York (Richard III) can't stop talking about the fact that she's given birth to a deformed murderer -- a.k.a. Richard III, King of England.

Now. Let's listen to what they have to say:

Hermione: Ladies, I'm so excited about getting into "fighting form!" By the way, have you tried my Splenda Snaps? My husband loves them. (She passes a plate of cookies.)

Lady Macbeth: Listen to you, yammering on about your husband's feelings and ignoring your own needs. That's a one-way ticket to Dumpyville. My motto is: Mind of steel, buns of steel. (She dashes the plate of Splenda Snaps to the floor. Hermione happily picks up the shards and starts bleeding profusely.)

Hermione (laughing): It's funny you did that, because I was just going to say experiencing pain is a great way to get fit! I do chores alongside my servants and sometimes even collapse from exhaustion!

 

Cleopatra: I don't worry about getting in shape, because I never leave the palace without my smoke and mirrors. Oh, and that little eunuch with the fan. Nothing says "old" like sweat-caked face powder.

Gertrude: I drink and have sex with my husband. That's my thing. It's so crazy. He's crazy. And maybe a killer. Me-yow.

Cleopatra: Right on, sister. Way to keep it fresh. Have you ever done it wearing his clothes? How about you, Cappy?

Lady Capulet: Well now, I don't know about all that. At our country club, we don't admit whores. It's so important that children have appropriate role models to keep their minds and their bodies pure. Juliet and I are doing mommy-daughter Atkins together.

Lady Macbeth: Really? I just saw her picking up a box of Munchkins at the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru.

Lady Capulet: That's impossible. She's getting a colonic.

Lady Macbeth: Oh, I bet she is. Right after her Romeo protein shake.

(Lady Macbeth, Cleopatra, and Gertrude burst out laughing.)

Lady Capulet: Yes, that's terribly funny. Don't you all have your own deaths to prepare for?

Hermione: Speaking of Munchkins, I just have to say that having babies is absolutely the best way to lose weight! I was always so busy running around after my son and breastfeeding my daughter that I never had that problem. I actually had trouble gaining weight.

Lady Macbeth: Was that before or after you were holed up for sixteen years waiting for your husband to like you again? Because I'm pretty sure I see some love handles on you now.

Hermione: Excuse me. How many children do you have?

Lady Macbeth: Oh, we're going to play the counting kids game, are we? Last I checked, that wasn't going so well for you.

Gertrude: Let's not lose sight of why we're here, ladies. I agree with Hermione: breastfeeding just makes the pounds melt away! My Hamlet still comes home for a quick top-off when he can get away from his studies. Of course, he's fat, but I'm as lithe as a willow branch. I just don't understand why a woman would hire a wet-nurse to do it for her. Where are you going, Cappy?

Lady Capulet: I need some air.

Duchess of York: That whole "nursing-keeps-you-looking-young" argument is a crock. My son, Richard, was a hell-child from the moment he ripped his way out of my body until the day he died. And, let me tell you, I aged thirty years helping that toothy monster survive his first month.

Cleopatra: Duchess, step into my pyramid and let my servants treat you to a hot oil massage and some Twinkies. You've earned it, hon. You too, Cappy. You look like you could use some carbs.

Every Mom has their Shakespearean counterpart! To find out yours, take our QUIZ.

 

Michelle Ephraim lives with her husband and three kids in Boston. By day, she is Associate Professor of English at Worcester Polytechnic Institute. Her essays have appeared in publications, such as: The Washington Post, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Lilith, Tikkun, The Morning News, and The Chronicle of Higher Education. She is currently working on a book about Shakespeare and other stuff.

Caroline's work has been seen (and sometimes heard) on babble.com, FRESHYARN, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, in the book and show "Afterbirth: Stories You Won't Read in a Parenting Magazine" (St. Martin's Press), and on NPR's "All Things Considered." She is an English Professor at Boston College, where she teaches Shakespeare and Women's Studies.

Be sure to check out Caroline and Michelle's blog about how The Bard meets life at: Everyday Shakespeare.